When I was 3 1/2

30 years ago I came downstairs it was 1980 and a typical bleak wintery afternoon in Yorkshire, my Mummy was ironing on the floor she often didn't bother with an ironing board she was doing what she was supposed to do, just not very well, which just about summed our Mother up. My older sister Tasha was crying and clinging onto her neck, my brother Eddie knelt beside them crying too, I joined them and sobbed my heart out and a sense of fear and sadness gripped me it has never left me, buried deep inside and hidden from view but it is always with me, through all the heartaches, all the failed relationships I have lived my life in constant fear of being left, I will always be that 3 year old child losing the one person that should never fail you. If your own mother doesn't want you then who will?
She left us that day and the course of 5 peoples lives changed forever

Deal Breaker

I was at an exclusive black tie ball a few weeks ago on St James, glammed up to the nines in a gorgeous Issa dress and shiny Loboutins. There were 3 "eligible" batchelors on my table.

1. The American hedge funder who is very sweet but takes issues to another level - he likes to talk about them A LOT and he's very sensitive, a friend of a friend dated him for a week and it took him about 3 months to analyse why they broke up- exhausting so a definite no. 

2. The Argentinian banker who I shared a drunken evening of salsa and and margharitas a couple of years back, it took him an hour to realize hed "met" me before which was a bit embarrassing, he is losing his looks and he told me how happy he was to be attending this wonderful ball in aid of Cystitis (it was actually Cystic Fibrosis) so a definite NO there!

3.Then there was The Apprentice a well known face from a popular TV programme, we clicked, although strictly not my type, too young, too short and too cocky I liked him. Couple of issues though.......

a) He has a girlfriend, but from experience most men do until they find a new one

b) My friend has slept with him, which is something I guess I could get over except for the fact shes taken immense pleasure in letting me know his height isnt the only thing that is small. Damn this is my deal breaker 

The Architect

There is a pub in Wandsworth called The Ship, if your a single girl in your mid 20s to mid 30s you must go there on a Sunday afternoon, it really  is an excellent place to meet fairly nice men.
 Relaxed, fun, not too cool, it's a rare find! A place in London where people seem approachable, especially for South West London where most of the time the men seem to be stuck up their own arse and far too British to actually god forbid TALK to a girl!
Anyway for some inexplicable reason in this pub people will actually talk to you...so a few weekends ago I gathered up a couple of wing-girls having perfected my "not made an effort when actually it took 2 hours to get ready" look, and descended on the place. To be fair no single guy had a chance really, Kat and Clara make me seem mute, loud, Australian and god can the drink! Within 5 minutes we were nestled in on a table with 4 hot Royal Marines and a Colin Firth lookalike, he's an architect and for arguments sake let's call him Colin

And he kissed me

Halloween , we were at the Bloodlust ball in Hampton Court, vampires and vixens danced around us, he took my face in his hands and kissed me, a long sexy kiss, hard but gentle, my knees literally went weak and  for a few moments it was just him and me, a kiss that will linger in my mind.
He's a player, promiscuity is his middle name, so why does it feel like it meant more, did I feel something he didn't? Instincts tell me it meant something but he hasn't called and it's over a week so he clearly isn't going to.
He wouldn't be good for me, my best friend Farrah loathes him and Al has firmly put his foot down (even though they grew up together)  "Tal I want you to be with someone lovely who will look after you and give you lots of babies - not him he's rude, promiscuous, aggressive, untrustworthy"
So maybe he's been warned off or maybe he is'nt interested but that doesnt explain why the kiss felt like it felt..
Just a good kisser - can you really kiss someone so they feel like it meant something when it doesn't? Can a kiss be a lie - am I just an old fashioned romantic?

To swallow or not to swallow

Its 11 30am on a rainy Monday morning, no work till this evening, coffee, duvet and Jeremy Kyle perfect. I really see no reason to get up on Mondays, but I guess Im very lucky not to have to!

My best friend Farrah calls, we speak about 6 times a day, know everything there is to know about each other, she's my stand in boyfriend/husband, my rock and as a single girl I really don't know what I would do without her, she makes being on my own feel ok.....

Anyway dilemma of the day - she has a new boyfriend who although resembles a Polish builder she really likes, or should I say fancies the pants off, he's helping her live out those Polish builder fantasies that shes been manifesting for years haha??!! However there's a problem....his come tastes in her own words "Disgusting, it made me retch, run to the bathroom throw up, clean my teeth 3 times, Listerine 4 times and I still felt sick " Oh dear kind of kills the moment. Everything else is great though, so I suggested she pulls away at the crucial moment, not ideal but needs must, apparently even the slightest bit on her taste buds is enough to make her convulse so more drastic action is needed...

After a quick search on Google this can all be rectified he just needs to cut out:

Coffee

Cigarettes

Red meat

Cabbage

Dairy

Basically the staple diet of a Polish builder!! So that's clearly not going to work (I keep forgetting he is'nt actually one he just looks like that) . There is however a few things that can improve the taste:

Parsley

Celery

Pineapple juice

Cinnamon

Im dying to see what delicious meal she is cooking him this week....we will report back!!

Why men should always pay

I am no glamour model and spend a large portion of my life in tracksuit bottoms and Ugg boots, however when asked out on a date there are certain things I do to prepare:

THE BARE MINIMUM

1. Manicure and pedicure - £50
2. Blow Dry - £30
3. Spray tan - £35
4. Eyebrow threading - £20
5. Eyelash tint - £20
6. Waxing - £50

GENERAL MAINTAINENCE

7. Botox and  Filler, 3 times per year - £1500
8. Highlights, 6 times per year - £300
9. Hair cut, 3 times per year - £150
10. Facial, 8 times per year - £400
11. I will also spend thousands of pounds yearly on face creams, cellulite creams, makeup etc

IF HES REALLY HOT

12. I will invest in a new outfit approx £350

Not only does this add up to a LOT of money it's also bloody time consuming and extremely tedious.

When a man prepares for a date he will (if your lucky) do the following

1. Hair cut - £30

So the least he can do is pay for dinner no?

Unforgiveable things for a straight man to wear

Moccasins

Leopard or Zebra print

Satin 

Shirt and tie "sets" from Next

Beads and necklaces in general

Swarovski crystals especially on belts

Ugg Boots

Shirts with embroidered motifs on the back e.g a dragon

Harem pants

Thongs

3/4 length trousers

Headbands (unless playing sport)

Jeans from M and S

Batwing jumpers

Off-white boxer shorts or boxer shorts with cartoon characters on

*If your husband/boyfriend wears or owns any of the above I would advise either you leave him or burn the items immediately